she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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