Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
