wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
