Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
