mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
