Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
