Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
