I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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