Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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