Swine flu. Run for my life!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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