M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
