Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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