I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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