You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize