She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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