You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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