Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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