you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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