a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
