it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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