she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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