I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
