They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
