We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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