dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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