no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
