She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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