What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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