Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Someone signed my nipple.
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