its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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