i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
