God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
