No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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