All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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