the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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