If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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