the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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