I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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