I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
