I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
