genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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