Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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