Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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