So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
