my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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