im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
