I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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