Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
