u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
