my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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