Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
