You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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