I wish I could punch you in the face.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
