theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
