yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
