I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just cut my nipple shaving
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
