we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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