I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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