I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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