I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
