Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
